Since I split this recipe into two parts, you've had time -- a whole day -- to get all your ingredients together. But if you're not ready to make braciole, that's okay too. One of the good things about the internet is these instructions will still be here tomorrow, a year from now, two years from now, maybe longer?
Alrighty then. Let's make some braciole!
If I were you, which I'm not, obviously, but if I were you I'd do this on the kitchen counter on a wooden chopping board. That's what I do but it's a free country so it's your choice.
Start out by crushing, peeling, and chopping/mincing your garlic. Notice I said peeling after I said crushing? That's because if you crush your garlic cloves with the flat side of your knife before peeling, then the peels come right off in your fingers! Mince more garlic than you think you need. You'll need a lot of garlic for the braciole. Garlic is nature's natural penicillin or whatever it is they say about it. That's why when you're sick, you have a cold or whatever and you're making chicken soup, put plenty of fresh garlic in it. The more the better. It will taste great and you'll get better quicker or won't get sick in the first place. When you're done with the garlic, set it aside. Take a quick break if you want. I don't care. It's not like you're on the clock. At least I hope you're not. I hate being on the clock.
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| The correct way to chop garlic. Notice the hand placements? |
Okay, take your first piece of thin-cut flank steak and lay it out flat. I hope you have a meat mallet because now you're going to beat your meat. You're going to beat it good. Hey! This is turds in bondage, right? What's the point of bondage without a good beating? Bondage and beatings go together like spaghetti and meatballs. Your meat will be better after a good beating. Happier when it's beat it into submission! Wait! What? You thought I meant something else when I said, "beat your meat?" You thought I was doing one of those double-nintendos or whatever they're called in French? This ain't a French food recipe and, if that's what you thought, you got a dirty mind. I'm just saying. Besides, what would you rather beat? Your meat? Or a frog or some snails like they probably do making French food?
After you've beat your meat, you might want to take another break. Beating your meat can be tiring. Maybe it's time for another glass of vino? Maybe two? Maybe a cigarette? You know, if you smoke. Hey! I'm not here to judge. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Smoke whatever you got if you got it. I'm very open-minded that way.
Okay. Done with your wine? Your smoke? Your break? Beating your meat? Good. It's time to assemble your braciole and tie them up. Yep. It's almost time to put those meaty turds into bondage. First, a light dusting of salt and pepper on your beaten meat. You know how much salt and pepper you like to use on things. That's how much you're going to use.
Next, spread a bunch of chopped/minced garlic on your beat meat. Don't be shy. Spread more than you think you need. It's garlic. It's good for you, remember? Then, grab a handful of chopped-up parsley and spread it on the meat. Parsely is good for you too. It's good for your digestion and it keeps your breath fresh. You might need some breath freshening after eating lots of garlic. Parsley is flavorful too. So put
more than you think on the meat. The parsley ain't going anywhere once it's tied.
Now, grab the meat at one end with your fingers from both hands and start rolling it up tight, like a jelly roll. Roll it as tight as you can. When you're done making your beat-meat jelly roll, take some string and start tying it up. Tie it tight! It's bondage, not tying your shoes. When you're putting something in bondage by tying it up, you don't tie it loose. There's no one, single, correct way to tie
braciole by the way. Do the best you can. Be creative! Get kinky! Tie them up good. Make sure they're not going to wiggle out of their bonds. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT use toothpicks to hold them together. Toothpicks are for your teeth and maybe some other things but they're not, I repeat NOT, for holding braciole together.
You done tying? Your bracioles should look something like the uncooked braciole in the picture below. Maybe not that fancy, but you get the idea. And no Granny knots! You don't want people having a hard time trying to untie their braciole at the table! Especially, while they're drooling because they want the braciole in their mouths so badly.
And don't overheat your oil! It will burn! Olive oil burns at a lower temperature than some other cooking oils. You want to use a cooking oil that doesn't burn so easily? Use peanut oil. But not for this! That's for Chinese cooking and this definitely ain't Chinese cooking even if Marco Polo, a long-ago Italian of renown, went to China and (supposedly) brought back macaroni. You want Marco Polo? Play it in a swimming pool.
Put your braciole in the heated oil. You're going to turn them often while they're cooking. You're going to brown them up nice. You're not going to burn them and you don't have to worry about cooking them all the way through because they're going to be simmering in your sauce/gravy after they come out of the pan. That's where a lot of the cooking of the braciole takes place! In the sauce. The longer they simmer in the sauce/gravy, the more tender and melt-in-your-mouth they're going to be and the more the garlic and parsley flavors will permeate the meat. (You didn't think I knew big words like "permeate" did you? I don't. But I have a thesaurus.)
When your braciole are browned up nice and they're done, don't toss your oil! You can use it to brown the sausages and the pork you're also going to put in your sauce/gravy. (If you haven't done that already.) You might even use it for your meatballs too. What's a Sunday Sauce/Gravy without meatballs? A failure, that's what. And a disgrace.
By the way, when you're done browning all your meats (whatever order you browned them in) you can then dump most of the oil but you're going save some of it and you're going to scrape all the little bits of meat, burnt or not, left in the pan. Then, you're going to put it all into the sauce/gravy. That's probably why some people call the sauce “gravy.” Because actual gravy, like brown or turkey gravy, is made similarly with the meat juices and bits of meat. But those gravies also use flour or corn starch to thicken them and you're not going to let flour or corn starch anywhere near your red tomato gravy/sauce!
Side Note: If you temporarily lose your mind or you've already lost it, and you're tempted to make a brown gravy with the pan drippings from frying up your braciole, two words come to mind: heresy and blasphemy. And let me add this as something to consider: If you make a brown gravy with your braciole, they really are going to look like turds in bondage. Yeah. There's an image you probably don't want in your head. Again, just saying.
After your sauce/gravy is done, and I hope you let it cook a long time because the longer the better, you're going to pull your meats out of the pot and put them in a separate bowl. But you're not going to untie your braciole! Let your people untie their own braciole. That's half the fun of eating braciole. Releasing them from bondage. The bracioles are so grateful for you untying them, they make themselves taste even better!
Alright. I trust you made pasta for your sauce/gravy. Personally, I like spaghetti, rigatoni, shells, and ziti. But not all at once. Sometimes I like to make hats. You know what hats are, don't you? In Italian, they're called Orecchiette. It's from the Italian words, orecchio and etto, which means ear and little. So, they're
"little ears." But we call them hats, not ears. Hats sounds more appetizing than ears. You've probably heard someone say, "I'll eat my hat." It's and old saying. So, hats and eating have a long history of being things that go together. But not ears and eating! You ever hear someone say, "I'll eat my ear." Probably not. Besides, eating ears sounds like something the French would do along with their snails and frogs.
Okay! It's time to eat your braciole and all the rest of your incredible, traditional, Italian-American Sunday Sauce/Gracy meal. And remember: Italians eat their salads AFTER the main part of their meals, not before. Why? What are you stupid? Because the salad helps your digestion (roughage and all) and the vinegar helps prevents agita, a.k.a. heartburn. If you still get agita, make sure you have the blue bottle handy. What blue bottle? Oh please. Brioschi of course.
Buon appetito!
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