Let Me Tell You 'Bout Braciole (Parte Uno)

Come stai everyone!

Today, I'm gonna tell about braciole and what you need to make it. You're already excited, right?

Braciole is pronounced (sorta like) bra-shawl if you've never said it or heard it. But you gotta do this this thing with the "sh" that isn't like how you do the "sh" thing in English.  It's an Italian thing you do. You know, from the Italian language-- the most beautiful language in the world! That's why so many operas are in Italian. Because it's so beautiful. If it's a not-so-beautiful-sounding opera, then they sing it in German. I have nothing against Germans. I even have German blood in my veins, my mother being half-German, but it's an ugly-sounding language. And it doesn't get less ugly when they sing in it. It might even get uglier. The Germans have some okay tasting food though, the Germans do, but just like their operas, it doesn't hold a candle to Italian food. Just saying.

Anyway, I love braciole! I've loved it since I was a kid. Sometimes, I call it turds in bondage when I think I'm being funny.  If you don't know what braciole looks like -- even though I put a picture of some braciole at the top -- you're about to find out and you'll understand why I call it what I sometimes call it when I'm being a funny guy.  Then, you'll think I'm funny too. Maybe.

Yep, braciole is my absolute favorite, #1, can-never-get-enough-of-it, Italian meat dish! (Followed closely by meatballs, a nice veal parm, and those chunks of pork that come out of the Sunday Sauce pot or gravy pot whichever you call it.) By the way, I'm not going to argue about the sauce/gravy thing. Capiche? You say gravy, I say sauce. You say toe-mah-toe, I say toe-may-toe. Whatever. Get over it.

Hey! You know that Johnny Meatballs guy I told you about in my meatballs update? He makes a sangwich that has braciole in it. It's got meatballs too. And saw-seege. Now THAT'S a sangwich! If you didn't know, a lot of Italians from back home (back home = back East... New Jersey for me) call sandwiches sang-wiches. It's an old school Italian thing. I think all my aunts and uncles called a sandwich a sangwich. They also called sausage, saw-seege. Just a bit of back-East, Italian word trivia. See? I'm educating some of you! (Your welcome.)

Another great thing about braciole is this: As good as it tastes -- and it tastes sono buoni! -- it's facile to make! That means it's easy to make. How cool is that? And by the way, braciole isn't the Italian word for turds in bondage. There's no Italian word that means turds in bondage. It takes three words to say that in Italian, not one, just like it does in English. I made it up. The turd analogy. Because I'm funny that way. Leastwise, I like to think I am. Yeah, I think I'm a funny guy. I make people laugh. How am I funny? Am I like a clown funny? Is that what you think? You think I'm like a clown funny?  Bafongool!

If you're offended by my turds in bondage analogy, get over it. I don't apologize, especially for being funny. Or even for not being funny when I try to be funny. I don't apologize for not being PC enough either. I use the "F" word too. A lot! And not just the "F" word in English. The Italian version of it falls out of my mouth often enough. That's another word that doesn't take three words to say in Italian either. Just one. Just like in English. But don't worry. I'm not going to use the “F” word, English or Italian, in this recipe. Well, except once, which I already did. Why? Because I'm not. That should be a good enough reason.

Another funny Italian-American guy who uses the "F" word.

Let's get on with me telling you how to make braciole, what you'll need, and how to put it together. There's other ways to make braciole but this is my way. Make that it's my grandmother's way. She's no longer with us -- RIP Grandma -- so now it's my way. Someday, it will be my children's way and my grandchildren's way but I'm not going to dwell on morbid and depressing stuff like my own mortality. Not now, not never. What am I? Irish? Nope. I'm just a funny guy who likes to make people laugh and eat Italian food. Not necessarily in that order.

Back to what you need to make the braciole:

1) A couple of pounds of flank steak, more if you want more. Cut thin! Not thick but thin! It might cost you an extra couple of bucks for thin but too freakin' bad. Open up that wallet! Don't get cheap on me now. You'll say Grazie, Jimmy! for splurging on the meat after eating the braciole. Why? Cuz you'll have some leftovers. Trust me on this.

2) A bunch of Italian parsley. Not American parsley! That's for Thanksgiving dinner and other WASP meals. And not that Cilantro stuff Mexicans like either. Use Italian parsley! Be authentic. Don't be a poser or wannabee when it comes to cooking Italian. Be authentico! Use the ingredients God personally gave Italians so they could make the most heavenly food on the planet! What? You don't think God gave Italians what they needed to make the best food on Earth? What do you think the best food on Earth is? French food? Excuse me, but last time I looked the Vatican is in Rome where God put it, not Paris. Okay? Back to parsley. By a "bunch" of parsley, I don't mean one bunch like they sell it in the store. You know, in bunches. I'm talking about a BUNCH of Italian parsley. Parsley is cheap. Even if you're cheap, and I know some of you are, parsley is cheap enough even for you.

My Grandma, probably in her 80s. She could cook!

3) Garlic. Just like with the parsley or, as my grandmother called it, "pah-suh-leen," get a bunch of garlic. It's cheap too. And get fresh garlic, not the stuff that's already peeled or minced or comes in a jar you lazy mope. You need fresh garlic that you peel and chop yourself. If you don't know how to peel/crush/chop/mince garlic, you probably shouldn't be reading this recipe because you're a stunad in the kitchen.

A side note: You know how Paul Sorvino cut his garlic in that movie Goodfellas? You remember what Ray Liotta called it? "A good system." That's NOT how you're going to do your garlic, good system or not. That would take forever. Those wise guys were in prison and time was something they had and we don't. Plus, you don't want your garlic to melt and liquefy when your braciole is cooking. You want those little chopped bits of garlic in there.

4) Some salt and pepper. You already have that in your kitchen, right? I mean, if you don't, you must be a special kind of stupid not to have salt and pepper in your kitchen. I hope no one reading this is a special kind of stupid. If you are, go get some salt and pepper. It's cheap too. And while you're at it, get some Italian red flaked pepper. It's not part of this recipe but it's great stuff to shake on your macaroni in addition to grated cheese.

5) Olive oil or, like we Italian-Americans like to say when we're trying to show how Italian we are, olio d'oliva. And again, don't be a cheapskate! Get the good olive oil. The imported stuff. The virgin oil. Go for broke and get the imported extra-virgin olive oil. (I never figured out how a virgin could be extra-virgin, like more virgin than virgin, but no matter. It is what it is.)

6) Some white string. Yes, white string. There's a reason, funny guy that I am, that I call this meat dish turds in bondage, and the string has a lot to do with. Braciole is shaped like turds, not that describing their shape being like turds is appetizing... but it's funny. Sort of. You're going to use the string to tie up your braciole. You're going to tie them up good. You're going to hogtie them even though it's beef, not pork. When you're done tying the braciole, they're not going anywhere except in the frying pan and, later, in your sauce. When you untie them and finally set them free, they're going in your mouth and your taste buds will be happy. Overjoyed.  Practically having oral orgasms!

So, that's it. That's all you need. You're all set to make braciole. You excited? You should be. Now that you know what you'll need, I'll post how to put together and cook those delicious turds in bondage in my next update.  I've already wrote the update but I want to keep you in suspense. You know, tease you a little so you come back for more.  That's how Italian food is: when it's cooking it's a tease to your senses and when it's done, people always want to come back for more!

Ciao for now!